While You Were Sleeping...

Steve and I both do some pretty strange things in our sleep. I've been known to wake up screaming on several occasions and my brother still swears to this day that when we were younger, I would bark in my sleep. One particularly strange sleep talking/walking episode occurred last year. I had fallen asleep rather early in the bedroom and Steve was still out in the living room, on the computer or something. I suddenly awoke (well, not fully) and decided that the cat sleeping on the end of the bed was not my cat, but a stray that had wandered into our house from outside. I scooped up the cat (this was our rather large obese gray cat, Mona) and took her out to Steve in the living room. I then proceeded to shake the poor cat while yelling, "Who's cat is this???? Who's cat is this???" Poor Mona was meowing and hissing, thrashing frantically trying to get out of my arms. I then dropped the cat, and went back to the bedroom and back to sleep. Steve and Mona looked at each other and said, "What the hell??"

This is only one instance, there's many. But even stranger than that episode is the things Steve will do in his sleep. For example, the other night Steve started kicking his blankets off of himself muttering something about there being too much water. I shook him and said, "Steve! Are you alright over there?" To which he replied, "What the f**k! I'm trying to sleep!" and then went back to sleep. He's always yelling after these types of stints. Still, that's a lot better than the time he drank too much and got up in his sleep to use the bathroom. From my half-awake state, I watched him walk past the bathroom and go outside. In his boxers. In the middle of winter. He then returned to bed, going right back to sleep. I said to him, "Ummmmm....where did you just go?"
"I went to the bathroom," he replied.
"Outside???" I then got up, and opened the front door, and found that he had peed right outside the front door. Jussssssstttt greaaaatttt. I still don't understand to this day why he would walk right past the bathroom to use the bathroom. Outside.

Still, this is nothing compared to some of my friends' stories of husbands doing strange things in their sleep. Particularly when alcohol is involved. One of my friends told a story about when her husband went downstairs, lifted the couch cushion, and proceeded to pee into the couch. Another tells of her husband peeing in the baby's crib. And no, the baby wasn't in it, thank goodness. Can you imagine trying to explain that little mishap???

I'm convinced Steve inherited his sleep-induced weirdness from his dad. Steve once found his dad downstairs, trying to shove a piece of pizza into the VCR in his sleep. Steve's younger sister also inherited this wonderful trait.

My favorite story of Heather's goes something like this, 
She suddenly sat up in bed and began staring at her girlfriend (this is something Steve will also do in his sleep) and then punched her. When her girlfriend protested, Heather screamed at her, "Which ones????" To which her poor girlfriend replied, "What!?" Heather continued to scream, "Which onessss??? The ones on your legs? Or the ones you wipe your ass with??" 

What??? To this day our family still can't figure out what the hell Heather was talking about. I'm just dying to know what you have your legs that you can also wipe your ass with. Heather's cousin was thinking of making some sort of board game out of this question. Like an Apples to Apples type thing...or Mad Gab or that one where things sound dirty but actually aren't. I think it would be quite popular with families like our's...

Well, that's all for now... sweet dreams! And don't forget those ones! Not the ones you wipe your ass with, the ones on your legs. 

Uninsured Motorist

Back when I had a life outside of changing diapers, constant breast feeding, and being perpetually covered in spit up, I had a beautiful, sporty, fast, Ford Mustang. Her name was Stella and every where I went, I would get stared at. Not "Wow, what a adorable baby!" or "She's the cutest baby!" or "Look at her eyes!" or "Excuse me, but it appears you have vomit on your shirt", No. I would get the, "Wow, look at that hot blonde in the mustang!" kinda looks. The only downside of having that much horsepower was the speeding. I can't really say I'm 100% to blame. My grandmother is a notorious speeder. Once, she was caught doing about 85 in a 55 on the freeway and when the cop pulled her over, she told him she really had to pee. So, its genetic. The speeding and making the excuses that let you get away with it. Because I would get pulled over ALOT. And I'd usually get away with a warning. "Yes, officer," I'd say sweetly, while batting my eyelashes and flipping my used-to-be perfectly colored and highlighted blonde hair, "I will slow down, I swear." But, I didn't always get lucky and I would get the occasional speeding ticket. About 3 to be precise. 

Now, I don't know if you know this, but in Connecticut, you're only allowed 3 tickets a year. If you get more than that, they send you to a lovely 4-hour Saturday class called "Operator Retraining". This consists of sitting in a small room with about 20 other law-breakers and going over all of the Rules of The Road. Yes, just like when you took driver's ed when you were 16. Just like that. And how do I know? I've been 5 times. Yes. FIVE. And here's why. Because let's say you get more than 3 tickets. You pay your $65 and go to driver retraining and THEN, you're not allowed to get another ticket for 3 more years. Yes, THREE YEARS without a ticket. No speeding, no broken taillight, not even a parking ticket or you have to go back to "Operator Retraining". Last time, I made it 2 years and 8 months and got a speeding ticket and had to go back. Yep. 

So, when you have to go to Operator Retraining, they send you a letter in the mail that says if you don't go by such and such a date, your license will be suspended. So this last time I went to the class, I took the class about 2 days late. So the DMV didn't process my paperwork in time and I ended up getting my license suspended. But, I didn't know this. See, they don't tell you that your license is suspended. They just expect you to know that you missed the completion date for your retraining class and they expect you to know that your license has been suspended. 

So, flash forward about 8 months, I'm about 5 months pregnant and I'm driving home from the bar. Wait, before you freak out and say, "You were pregnant and at a BAR?????" No. I had dropped Steve off at the bar, which I didn't go to because I was pregnant, and was driving home. When I got pulled over. I was incredulous, "I wasn't speeding, officer!" What could possibly be the problem??"Ma'm, you're coming up with a suspended license." "WHAT???" I was so thrown off guard and was so clearly innocent that the officer allowed Steve and his friend come drive my Jeep home instead of making me get it towed. Yep. He let two guys come from the bar to drive a pregnant woman home, both of whom have DUI's on their driving records... Anyway...

So now, back to the present. I missed paying my car insurance by 2 days and they cancelled me. When I called to pay the bill and get it reinstated, they denied me. They ended up running my DMV record and lo-and-behold, there's a speeding ticket, 2 accidents, and driving with a suspended license on my record. And they don't want me back. JUSSSSSTTT GREAT. So, now I have to make about a million phone calls to try and find an insurance company who will take on a dangerous, reckless driver like myself. Its a wonder I have a license at all.