While You Were Sleeping...

Steve and I both do some pretty strange things in our sleep. I've been known to wake up screaming on several occasions and my brother still swears to this day that when we were younger, I would bark in my sleep. One particularly strange sleep talking/walking episode occurred last year. I had fallen asleep rather early in the bedroom and Steve was still out in the living room, on the computer or something. I suddenly awoke (well, not fully) and decided that the cat sleeping on the end of the bed was not my cat, but a stray that had wandered into our house from outside. I scooped up the cat (this was our rather large obese gray cat, Mona) and took her out to Steve in the living room. I then proceeded to shake the poor cat while yelling, "Who's cat is this???? Who's cat is this???" Poor Mona was meowing and hissing, thrashing frantically trying to get out of my arms. I then dropped the cat, and went back to the bedroom and back to sleep. Steve and Mona looked at each other and said, "What the hell??"

This is only one instance, there's many. But even stranger than that episode is the things Steve will do in his sleep. For example, the other night Steve started kicking his blankets off of himself muttering something about there being too much water. I shook him and said, "Steve! Are you alright over there?" To which he replied, "What the f**k! I'm trying to sleep!" and then went back to sleep. He's always yelling after these types of stints. Still, that's a lot better than the time he drank too much and got up in his sleep to use the bathroom. From my half-awake state, I watched him walk past the bathroom and go outside. In his boxers. In the middle of winter. He then returned to bed, going right back to sleep. I said to him, "Ummmmm....where did you just go?"
"I went to the bathroom," he replied.
"Outside???" I then got up, and opened the front door, and found that he had peed right outside the front door. Jussssssstttt greaaaatttt. I still don't understand to this day why he would walk right past the bathroom to use the bathroom. Outside.

Still, this is nothing compared to some of my friends' stories of husbands doing strange things in their sleep. Particularly when alcohol is involved. One of my friends told a story about when her husband went downstairs, lifted the couch cushion, and proceeded to pee into the couch. Another tells of her husband peeing in the baby's crib. And no, the baby wasn't in it, thank goodness. Can you imagine trying to explain that little mishap???

I'm convinced Steve inherited his sleep-induced weirdness from his dad. Steve once found his dad downstairs, trying to shove a piece of pizza into the VCR in his sleep. Steve's younger sister also inherited this wonderful trait.

My favorite story of Heather's goes something like this, 
She suddenly sat up in bed and began staring at her girlfriend (this is something Steve will also do in his sleep) and then punched her. When her girlfriend protested, Heather screamed at her, "Which ones????" To which her poor girlfriend replied, "What!?" Heather continued to scream, "Which onessss??? The ones on your legs? Or the ones you wipe your ass with??" 

What??? To this day our family still can't figure out what the hell Heather was talking about. I'm just dying to know what you have your legs that you can also wipe your ass with. Heather's cousin was thinking of making some sort of board game out of this question. Like an Apples to Apples type thing...or Mad Gab or that one where things sound dirty but actually aren't. I think it would be quite popular with families like our's...

Well, that's all for now... sweet dreams! And don't forget those ones! Not the ones you wipe your ass with, the ones on your legs.